#i want to maintain my mental functions!

[hiero-green]

Can any biology people explain to me (extremely heat-sensitive autistic) why I feel like I can't breathe when I overheat when it's not even that hot

(for context I'm Irish it's only 14°C out but it is sunny)

[naamahdarling]

You know what? You know what I think?

I think that if we lived as we were meant to, in larger intimate ("extended family") groups and with more shared labor and time to do it (UBI NOW) people like me would not feel so useless and burdensome because there would be people around to help and to do what neurodivergent people can't while making valuable space for the neurodivergent to do what they ARE good at.

The way we live right now, all right, the way we live right now forces units of two adults to be able to do EVERYTHING or PAY to have someone come do it for them. I have to do the housework. I have to do it! But I am having to do a million different things and most of them I am not good at. I suck at them.

I wouldn't feel like shit, okay, if I had more than one other person around who was not a child and who could do the things I can't, like do the yard and cook and do repairs and basic maintenance; and someone else to split everything else that I like but is too much for me. It would free me to do what I am good at and enjoy. Cleaning, as in the sink and toilet, the windows, the blinds. Taking out trash. Folding, hanging, and sorting laundry.

But because all the shit I can do often relies on other shit being done first, and I can't do or have trouble doing those things, the shit I can do often can't be done. And even the shit I can do, I can't do ALL of it. So I can't keep up, and things get very bad.

We aren't meant to live like this. We are not meant to live like this.

That thought hurts so much because being able to flee the birth family is integral to survival for so many people. I'm so afraid that living in larger family groups would create more opportunities for, say, queer kids to be isolated, rejected, bullied, and abused. But if we gave people enough money to survive, and stopped considering children the property of their parents with no system in place to help them escape bad situations except a system that is often just as bad, just different.

I'm aware that communes and collectives aren't all that successful and are kind of a joke. I don't mean that. I mean a fundamental shift to multigenerational families where taking in "strays" (which my family did) is also normalized so people escaping abuse into existing households was accepted, with these families centered in maybe a couple of different larger residences so not everyone has to buy and maintain their own fucking washing machine and vacuum cleaner, and so people can benefit from large group meals that yield leftovers, and so child and elder care can also be centralized.

Then disabled people and the neurodivergent and sick and injured people, and pregnant people, and grieving people, would not have to either labor through all those stressors or consign themselves to living off an unlivable pittance or being put under legal guardianship.

I'm not saying anything new. People live like this in other parts of the world and maybe it sucks and I am wrong. But I'm just really mad right now because I can either do laundry or clean the sink but not both, and I really think we could improve society somewhat by making it so I did not have to choose one without sacrificing the other.

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao

[curionightshade]

.😁

[willoftrees]

anxiety so bad i never draw and it's hard to kiss my husband

[queertransetc]

- ED trigger warning -

Being skinny ruined my life. If you’re thin and think to yourself, “why don’t fat people just lose weight?” Please read this

I was the “ideal fat” in the sense that I did everything skinny people wanted me to do. I tried every diet in the book. I exercised regularly. I worked with doctors and dietitians to figure out the best way to lose weight. But nothing worked. I did everything “right” to lose weight, and my weight stayed the same

But the thin people in my life kept telling me that I wouldn’t be happy, attractive, healthy, etc. until I lost weight. So, heartbroken, I came to the conclusion that anorexia was the only option left. It felt safer than bariatric surgery, and was obviously much more affordable

I became the perfect anorexic. 700 cal a day or less, except once a week I allowed myself 1400 cal. For reference, my body required at least 2800 to maintain weight, and at least 1800 to keep my organs and stuff fully functioning. Still, 700 a day, I persisted because everyone in my life told me weight loss was all that mattered. If dieting didn’t work, anorexia had to

And it did. My weight dropped all the way down to 110 pounds. I was skinny - underweight, even - in all sense of the word. The people in my life saw it as a miracle. The ultimate success story. My mother, my “friends,” my doctors, they all congratulated me on my accomplishment

When I confessed my eating disorder to my doctor, he told me, “that’s not the best way to go about it, but I’m glad you lost the weight.” My mother took pictures of me and sent them to relatives to brag

Okay, great. I was skinny. I did what I set out to do. But there were severe consequences

The most obvious was my joint pain doubled, maybe even tripled, to the point that I couldn’t leave the house without a wheelchair

I also developed several health complications, including fatty liver disease and extremely painful GERD. I had to see a handful of specialists and get an endoscopy because of severe stomach pain

My partner, who was the only person who saw my weight loss for what it was (a horrible thing that only happened because of an eating disorder), convinced me to enter a recovery program

For nearly a year, I relearned how to feed myself. I ate everything I was told to eat, nothing more and nothing less. My diet was 100% in the hands of somebody else

And I gained back every pound I has lost. All of the work to become thin went right out the window. It was proven to me that thinness and health were incompatible with my body. If I wanted to be thin, I had to forgo my physical and mental well-being. And vise-versa

Prior to the anorexia, I never once struggled with binge eating. I was naturally an intuitive eater, and I did a good job of having a well rounded diet. After the anorexia, after recovery, I developed a binge eating disorder. I had spent so long starving myself, that my brain and body got stuck in survival mode, desperate to consume any and all calories out of fear that I might starve again. To this day I struggle with binge eating

I did everything thin people wanted of me. I dieted. I exercised. And when all else failed, I starved myself. Now I have liver disease, stomach issues, and BED. Not to mention the loads of mental issues that accumulated as a result of my weight loss journey. During the throes of my anorexia, I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation

When you tell fat people to “just lose weight” you are suggesting they give themselves illnesses for which treatments are not always effective. You are asking fat people to destroy their stomachs and livers. When a fat person loses so much weight that they become skinny, they are likely giving up so much of their health in efforts to be treated like a human being

If you’re thin, do your part. Treat fat people like people before we tear our bodies apart

[identitty-dickruption]

here's what being a 'high-functioning' alcoholic was actually like

I'm trying my best to concentrate on what my best friend is saying because I love him and I love his anecdotes. I can't stop thinking about how long it'll be before I can drink. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to concentrate. then I get frustrated at him for increasing the amount of time between me and my next drink. I have no idea what he thinks is happening for me all I know is that I'm irritated as hell

I spend hours planning exactly when I'll be able to drink and how much. I don't feel like myself completely sober. I can't concentrate unless I have a couple drinks in me, but I can't concentrate if I'm plastered either. it's a balance I strike incredibly carefully and with a high number of mental calculations. I know that I'm wasting a lot of energy on these calculations that I should be using on my studies, but I also know it would be worse if I was sober. I feel trapped

people blow up at me for reasons I don't understand. I blow up at people for reasons I either don't understand or immediately forget. I lose things all the time. the longer I spend drinking, the harder I have to try to maintain my sober facade, and the more I have to drink to numb myself from the number of lies I've been telling. I am a beast and that beast's name is Shame. people tell me that addicts always hurt those they love, but the people closest to me keep saying that I'm only hurting myself. all I know is that there is hurt

I eventually decide to try and sober up. withdrawals make me feel less than human. I don't even feel like I'm approaching human. I can't stop sweating. my body shakes more than it's ever shaken before. I throw up so much that I get dehydrated and pass out. my head doesn't stop thumping for two weeks straight. and at the end of it all, I'm still an addict who cannot for the life of them remember why I wanted to be sober. I try anyway

it hasn't been as bad as it was in 2022 for a while now. I've probably forgotten just how bad it really was. but that's what alcoholism was like for me

[shibaincubus]

How to change your life with Gamification

Disclaimer stat point and daily quest (points) are used interchangeably and are different from main/side quest (points)

₊˚ ‿︵‿︵‿︵୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿︵ ˚₊₊˚ ‿︵‿︵‿︵୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧₊˚

You may have already heard about Gamification. It’s a strategy in which you use game mechanics,elements and principles to apply them to your everyday life to enhance your performance, studying etc.

But how should I use this technique to get the most of my life?

This is a guide for implementing Gamification in your life and thoroughly explains the process.

In my guide I am inspired by manhwa systems like in the solo leveling manhwa. Normally a system gives you stats such as strength which one can upgrade and become stronger. Upgrading is archived by quests that give you exp which also can increase your Rank e.g from F Rank to E Rank all the way to S Rank or higher. Quests are differentiated between daily quests and non daily quests. There are more functions such as items and gold but for the basic setup they are not needed

First you need to create your stats. In the solo leveling manhwa there are six stats: Strength, Vitality, Agility, Intelligence and Sense. You should have six stats but you are not obligated to use the ones from solo leveling. Idk how you can implement Sense and Vitality.

I strongly recommend you to have a stat called Willpower which indicated if you did every quest that you set for yourself and how well you stick to the system as a motivation.

As you can see I copied the stats Strength, Intelligence and Agility from Solo Leveling and added Willpower, Discipline and Stamina.

Some other ideas for stats are:

Charm (Beauty stat: I would use this if you want to glow up)

Charisma (If you want to improve your social skills or want to speak ------------ more professionally etc. I would use this stat

Health: If you want to eat more healthily or want to diet or want to -------- get your sleep schedule right etc. I would use this stat

You can get creative and cater to your own needs

Now if you have your stats you have to create a daily quests with each of these stats

Here is my example:

My quests don't look like much but you have to gradually work yourself up to your goals. Someone who has never done e.g Pilates in their life can't do a 30 min Pilates workout from day one without loosing motivation in the long run. So if you want to e.g. get your sleep schedule right I would set your wake up time e.g. 5min earlier every cycle until you reach your goal and maintain it.

A cycle equals 21 days. If you finish a cycle you can reflect your performance and make the daily quests harder or change the stats if they don't fit into your goals. Especially your first cycle is more of a test and try period. But you should keep your stats as they were and should not change them except if they really don't serve you.

Main/Side Quest stats:

These quests are quests like ''learn … language for 15min''. They are more of a to-do lists task.

I would use this formula for categorizing these tasks:

ASSIGNMENT (S) LIST

The ASSIGNMENTS

:::

:::

:::

CATEGORY: main/side exp etc.

DIFFICULTY: e.g. SSS

CLEAR CONDITION: e.g. finish all assignment(s)

TIME LIMIT: e.g. 7 hours

REWARD UPON COMPLEATION

:::

+2 exp

Stats in crease: e.g. Mentality +1 Intelligence +2 Motivation +1 Skill +1

PENALTY UPON FAILIURE

:::

all stats -1 (e.g.)

emotional damage e.g. +3

DURATION: e.g. 24 hours

Items confiscation …

DURATION: ???

Emotional damage stat explained:

This stat affects your conversion rate to points in the daily quest stat points. Normally the conversion rate is 10 e.g 10 main quest stat willpower point = 1 daily quest willpower stat point. Per +5 emotional damage you have to collect 5 extra points to converse the stat point

Example 10 points are needed in the main quest stats to converse to one stat point with a rate of 5 emotional damage point you need 15 points. A 10 point emotional damage point equals a 20 point conversion rate and so on.

How to decrease the emotional damage stat:

If you complete main/side quests as a reward you get -1 emotional damage point which you can use to get your emotional damage point to a good level. Emotional damage can't get into the negative.

The difference between daily quest stats or stats and main/side quest stats and leveling up is explained below

Stats in/de- crease in the main/side quests doesn't affect the normal stats that we've established so you have to create a new stat page for the main/side quest stats to count the points.

Like this:

Ten points on e.g intelligence stat on this list equals one daily quest intelligence stat point.

The conversion rate is as such 10 to 1 which means if you have e.g ten agility points you get one agility stat point.

How to level up:

Every time you finish a daily quest you gain a point for the Stat (first pic) you can only gain one point per stat per day. If you gain 10 points at every stat in the daily quest stat you can level up. If you don't finish a quest you will loose 1 point from the stat that you would've gained one point from.

Ranking up:

First you have to choose a range from which you can level up e.g F to S Rank / F to SSS+ Rank etc. than you have to find a starting point which you gradually increase e.g 20 (start point) increases +20% per Rank up.

How to increase your Rank:

Completing all daily quests gives you 1 EXP while the EXP gain can value in main/side quest the rest is explained above.

Here's my example:

Zyklus is German for cycle which I just tracked here and is explained above.

Lastly you need something that motivates you and in Solo Leveling it was a Punishment Zone if sung jin woo doesn't complete his quests.

For myself if I don't complete 5/6 quests i have to do the punishment.

For the punishment you have to do something you detests (and strains your body)

My example are 150 burpees

A full page can look like this:

One last thing is that you can 100% customise this approach you can add coins items etc. which also exists in a system, change other things as you like but the foundation has to remain intact.

[teine-mallaichte]

We need to expand our use of dilirium within the whump community I think.

When people see the prompt "dilirium" or "dilirious" in a whump event most jump to fever, illness, infection. And that's fine. That's valid. But there is SO MUCH MORE to dilirium.

Delirium is a complex psychological state that can indeed be triggered by illness and fever, but it can also result from a wide array of other causes. It’s a state where cognition and coherence deteriorate, where reality may start to frey at the edges leaving the whumpee confused, disorientated, maybe unable to even distinguish reality.

You can drive a character into a dilirious state without any external factors. A characters cognition and coherence can be picked to the brink by so many things.

1. Extreme Sleep Deprivation: this is a favourite of mine. A whumpee kept awake for days on end, their cognitive functions begin to deteriorate, the boundary between wakefulness and sleep blurs, leading to fractured and disjointed thought processes. The mind starts to struggle to maintain coherence, resulting in hallucinations and a profound disorientation.

2. Substance Withdrawal: Not one I've explored much, but can totally count. The body and mind in chaos, craving what they can no longer have. The physical symptoms can be brutal, but the psychological torment can drive them into a state of delirium, where reality becomes a shifting, unreliable landscape.

3. Psychological Torture: Another one I tend to gravitate to. Intense psychological manipulation, sensory deprivation or overwhelm can also drive the mind into delirium. Continuous gaslighting, isolation, or exposure to disturbing stimuli can erode a characters grasp on reality, leading to a state where they can no longer distinguish between truth and illusion.

4. Emotional Trauma: this a mental breakdown. Severe emotional trauma pushing a whumpee into a to their mental limits. The overwhelming stress and fear fracturing their mind, causing confusion, disorientation, dissociation, hallucinations as their psyche tries to protect itself and struggles to make sweetheart if what's happened/happening.

5. Overwhelming Physical Pain: Pain, just pain, if relentless and severe enough, can lead to delirium. A whumpee in constant, excruciating pain might find their mind breaking under the strain, leading to confusion, disorientation, and a detachment from reality.

6. Fever: and just because it can't really be left of the list, fever. Infections, illness, etc. But did you know there is more than one kind of dilirium? Yes there is the sick whumpee who is too weak too most and admits all their insecurities and secrets in a slurred disjointed major. But there is also the type of dilirium where the character becomes energetic, erratic behavior, pacing incessantly and speaking rapidly, refusing to rest. Frustrating and worrying for those trying to help.

And this is just the ones of the top of my head. There's so much potential here! And yes this is a very self indulgent and selfish post that I wrote while writing a fic where I am inducing dilirium in a character through acute stress and an identity crisis 😅 but in short - I want to see more varied portrayals of dilirium in whump.

An extension of this post A similar post about hallucinations A similar post about fever

[prince-liest]

Some thoughts on Lucifer's mental health, relationships, and role as king of hell!

Lucifer’s perception of himself as the king of hell is really interesting to me because he’s very blase about it in canon while totally using it when it suits him.

I think it’s really telling that the first time he actually brings it up himself is when it’s something he can leverage to help Charlie out. He reads to me like someone who objectively knows that he’s the hottest shit in town, but also just doesn’t really think that it matters most of the time because it's not relevant to his personal problems. Being Lucifer Morningstar did not allow him to achieve his goals in petitioning heaven. Being the most powerful person in hell didn’t even un-fuck his family life!

...Except for when suddenly it might in fact help un-fuck his relationship with his daughter.

It's the main thing he can desperately and dramatically showcase as a worthwhile reason for Charlie to maintain a relationship with him, because he as a person is depressed, half-functional, and barely has enough spoons to pay attention to a conversation he's having with her while he's actively having it, nevermind remembering their last one.

He wants to! And it doesn't start with his song at the hotel! It starts with him answering the phone, heavily fumbling actually connecting with Charlie despite clearly desperately wanting to, and then realizing she's asking him for something and promptly choking on his tea before excitedly telling her, "Yeah! Of course! Anything within my power is yours for the asking, you just name it." He knows that there is a great deal 'within his power,' and he's happy and relieved that he can offer her that!

Lilith has been gone for years but he's still wearing his wedding ring. His walls are still covered in family portraits. He's just been sitting in his room making thousands of rubber ducks he thinks suck instead of ruling hell, because his daughter liked that one duck he made one time.

Charlie needed him to support her in her mission, but damn did Lucifer also need Charlie to get him out and moving and actually doing things again.

Anyway, someone get this man on an SSRI.

[unhingedpolycule]

Haiii ! Love what you do and had two questions :

Do you think any of them would cry at the others burial (if they even want that ? Cremation ?)

And do you think one of them would wear glasses once they age a bit more ?

Thank you 🩵

Haiiiii! First of all, thank you for your ask! It made me think and it was a really cool concept to work with! You can find the (long) answer under the cut!

If the body is recovered from the warzone where they died, they would have a small service I think. Not because the other would particularly want or need it, but because the team would more or less insist and it is simply the social convention. It doesn’t really bother them either. That being said… they would not cry. Nikto would probably get pretty gruff, outwardly pretending that their relationship was not as deep as it actually was, so he isn’t too sad. Mostly because people keep giving him condolences. He does not like it, handling Sebastian‘s death is hard enough on its own. Krueger would just get… like very silent in my mind. Not directly pretending that it doesn’t bother him, but he would let his mask slip a bit. Instead of being detached on purpose, he just sits and reminiscence about Nikto and what he is missing right now. His voice, having someone to concentrate on and to care for as to make his life less eventless. He was Nikto’s caretaker and partner for years and he was used to being joint at the hip, always having an interesting and stimulating person around.

Both feel the urge to be alone. Krueger would go missing soon after, probably searching out Blaustein without telling him what is going on. Of course, Blaustein understands that something bad must have happened and he is smart enough to count two and two together. Krueger would find a new PMC, maybe he would even stay with Coalition (Blaustein’s faction) for a bit. But he is a wanderer at heart, so it wouldnt last longer than a year. Nikto was the only thing tying him to a specific faction, so he starts moving again, with regular visits to Hans though. As for Nikto… he would be pursued by Nikodim, who thinks that he is helping. Their relationship might very well break under that pressure, leaving Nikto much worse off, just because his stability and his support system is gone. He eventually rebuilds routine on his own, but before that, he would probably burn himself out in an attempt not to grief too much.

To make it short: Krueger would let himself feel what he feels, accepting it for what it is and seek the support that he might need. Nikto would very much do the opposite and repress in order to continue being functional, even if this ruins a lot of things for him. Both would be incredibly affected. I don’t know if they would actually cry. If they do, it comes over them in the middle of the night without any warning. They want to turn around to hug the other and they find themselves alone. For Krueger, it’s a few tears. Nikto is angry ugly crying, clutching the pillow and staring at noting.

Krueger keeps Nikto’s last pill bottle in his pack, using it for his own drugs. Nikto keeps Krueger’s net on his bedpost. Both store the other’s gear. Nikto in his room, Krueger with Blaustein, since Hans has a more steady lifestyle.

BUUUUUUUT since Krueger is an unkillable cockroach (derogatory) and Nikto is very capable and has a second pair of eyes attached to a man which would go to length to safe him… they are fine. Very fine. VERY FINE AND HAPPY. (I can’t do mcd unless it’s a “growing old” setting. I am weak.)

As for the glasses: very easy. Nikto is used to taking medication and having to subsidise for things his body is not able to do anymore (mostly because of his mental illness, but I also imagine him to have issues with mild erectile dysfunction/maintaining an erection if he is not actively having sex right in that moment.) so he would wear some cheap old man glasses. He has like three pairs, all various stages of scratched/disrepair.

Krueger on the other hand would not like it. At all. He has lived his life being able to do everything without aid, running into an active warzone without proper protection and coming out mostly unscathed. It would take some time until he could accept glasses properly. Not because of pride or of others seeing him like this, but because he has to admit that he is no longer fully “self-sufficient”. Especially because he has above average eyesight! Nikto would tease him a bit until he notices that Sebastian does not wear his glasses. They might have a gruff, short talk about it after Nikto sees Krueger holding his phone very far away from himself, squinting in annoyance while trying to read his messages. Krueger wears the damn thing after that. At home. Sometimes.

[saraannereads]

Antis: Azriel needs someone who understands his darkness!

So. Very. Wrong.

Canonically, Azriel has only shown that darkness when in battle, when seeking revenge against his abusers, and when enraged about harm coming to those he loves. Outside of these very specific circumstances, he’s actually written by the author as quiet, shy, polite and gentle. Even with Cassian, who he is arguably the closest with. Even with Rhys, who he has known for most of his life. Need I remind you how embarrassed he got when he was caught chugging Rhys’s fine wine?

What I find even more interesting is how much people will say that you CANNOT apply your own opinions to textual analysis but then in their next breath will say Azriel needs someone who understands his darkness. My sister in christ, that is your opinion and not supported by the text.

Where is the text proof for that? Where?? Show me.

It doesn’t exist.

It’s a headcanon/pop-psychology level analysis of a character who the author has taken great effort to show the reader as at odds with himself over said darkness because he has to suppress his feelings and emotion to be THAT dark, that devoid of empathy.

What he does (spy and torture) is not who he is, and that disconnect is shown time and again in the text over multiple books and series. He is not the darkness that he has to become in order to live with his job. That is one of his central conflicts.

And I would argue the BC is more textual evidence of the cognitive dissonance he experiences in order to maintain his role within his court.

Him burying the thought of G being happy is even more proof of the emotional suppression he has to engage in, which is a parallel to him sitting outside in the freezing cold earlier in that chapter. He has to quite literally force himself to live in that darkness in order to function and it is to his mental and emotional detriment. That’s what Sarah shows us in his bonus chapter.

And if it is to his detriment, as the author is showing us, then why does he need someone who can match that darkness? Why wouldn’t he actually be craving and wanting light?

Answer: he is craving light. He has been his entire life.

[nakajimeow]

SELF-CARE TIPS FOR WRITERS

I do these to keep my mental/physical health well in order to write properly. I do not want to be stressed out whenever I am writing and also in order to avoid being in a rut.

REST YOUR EYES !! It is very important to take breaks from staring at our screens due to writing. You can nap or constantly blink to avoid eye strain/dry eyes.

DRINK WATER AND STAY HYDRATED. In my experience, staying hydrated gives me energy and avoids headaches. (PAIR THIS ALONG WITH A HEALTHY DIET TOO.)

FIX YOUR POSTURE. I know it is challenging to maintain good posture but it is a remarkably good investment. Sitting down while writing with a bad posture can cause us to have back/shoulder pains.

SLEEP !! Maintaining good sleep for about 8 - 10 hours helped my brain to function well. Lack of sleep gave me confusion and writer's block every time I tried to write. Plus, feeling sleepy and tired too.

EXCERCISE. I work out for 5 to 10 minutes or if I do not feel like it, instead, I do 5-minute yoga stretches. I could not believe it at first but this boosted my productivity and motivation.

JOURNAL !! Write down your thoughts, rants, and gratitude. Journaling helped me to let go of the heavy baggage I was carrying. I was skeptical at first because I thought it would not work but it made my mental health better and gave me clarity (it cleared all of my messy thoughts). I also used my daily documentation of my life as an inspiration for writing.

reblog to help other writers !!

[daistea]

I started writing an imagine request but got distracted and produced This Thing. I’ve been wanting to write out my thoughts and my analysis on Mithrun’s state of mind for a while, actually

tw suicide, depression, discussions of mental health and self worth

Dungeon Meshi Spoilers ahead ‼️❗️

Sooo despite a lack of desires, Mithrun lives by habit.

These habits aren’t driven by preference, likes or dislikes. They’re still culturally acceptable though, mainly because Milsiril and his brother were the ones that instilled these habits in him(Mithrun doesn’t care what’s acceptable if it has nothing to do with the demon.) And there are still a few quirks leftover from his old self, things he never had a stark desire or choice to do but still did simply because he was used to them. Even after 40 years, the ins and outs of what the demon did to him remain still so complex.

Mithrun doesn’t really care about the details all that much. I like to think that outside of the dungeon, he has a regular bathroom schedule. He bathes every day when possible. He brushes his teeth for exactly two minutes, twice a day. It isn’t that he desires to not stink, it’s that he has to do these to keep his team willing to be around him so he’d have a better chance at finding the demon again and finishing the job.

In my headcanon, there are a few small habits he hasn’t quite picked up yet. He often doesn’t bother to brush his hair— the thought doesn’t even enter his mind. It gets stringy, something his old self never would’ve allowed. Its only when he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror— a very rare occurrence, since mirrors remind him of the demon and the demon makes him want to shatter things— that he realizes that he should probably brush it for the sake of functionality.

Taking care of his skin is yet another habit he’d never really formed. Elves have naturally perfect skin anyway, so there’s no use. But they could still be scarred, and marred, and reflect physical neglect. Like with dark eye bags, a lack of sunlight, and dehydration.

Mithrun is incredibly dehydrated.

He doesn’t realize that, of course. While his body would feel the neglect, it doesn’t send those signals to his brain. With things like peeing, he only realizes that he needs to go to the bathroom because he recognizes the physical feeling, not because his brain says ‘got to pee now.’

With hunger, he feels pangs, but those pangs dont translate into appetite or a desire to eat. He only eats because it would keep him alive long enough to encounter the demon again.

Dehydration is also slightly physical, in that his throat will sometimes feel dry or his lips will chap, but he has not a single thought of ‘I’m craving water,’ Plus, what does that have to do with defeating the demon? Applying burts bees watermelon flavored lip balm ain’t getting him nowhere.

Everything goes back to the demon. Every move he makes is either because it’s a necessity of staying alive(to kill the demon) or because it’s part of the intricate web that will eventually lead him to the demon.

Mithrun gets hurt, he feels the physical pain, but his only desire is to patch it up quickly and keep moving to get to the demon. Healing himself for the sake of relief doesn't matter. Demon comes first. The demon is everything. It’s in the air he breathes, it’s in his bloodstream.

He doesn’t realize that he’s still Mithrun. He doesn’t consider himself as Mithrun anymore, that’s just his name. He lives for revenge(so he says) He Is An Instrument, a weapon that exists and is only maintained for the sole purpose of Revenge

A common misconception is that he has no emotion. Not true, he just doesn’t desire to fake a smile or joy or laughter for the sake of making someone feel comfortable. He can still smile quite naturally when he’s, ya know, getting closer to the goddamn demon. He can still be surprised and feel adrenaline and be angry at the things that happen in life. He can still get irritated or annoyed at his companions. He still has opinions, thoughts, feelings. He’s himself.

Idk. It’s incomprehensible almost, not having desires. It brings up so many variables. It’s not something you can be very literal or cut-and-dry about. My most effective way of connecting with his character is applying my experience with depression and the lack of desire I feel for doing certain things, and how I only do them for the sake of my family and friends. I think that’s considered relatively functioning. And I think honestly Mithrun would be considered high-functioning. But it’s not that he wants to do those things, he does them because he’s supposed to, because it all leads back to the stupid bitch face demon.

Mithrun tells himself he wants it dead. That’s his desire. But he knows if he ever succeeded in getting rid of it, he would have nothing. He’s okay with that. He’s going to die anyway, no matter if it’s by passively wasting away or by the mouth of the lion. He’s prepared for death, it’s inevitable. He’s not scared.

But once he decides to live again, he still functions mainly by habit. Except he starts to apply himself a little more.

“I’m going to wash myself today because my companions would appreciate that” and not “I need to stay clean to keep the team around to lead me to the demon”

And “I’m going to make noodles today to keep me busy.”

“I’m going to get a dog so I’ll have an obligation to go outside every day to walk it, because it’s good for me to do that.”

They’re still conscious choices, and sometimes he falters, he doesn’t register that he should do something. But he’s chosen to live and he’s trying to function not for the sake of his one goal, but for the sake of the gift that is existence.

He’ll learn to love, to have genuine friendships. On good days, he’ll appreciate a warm meal, the feeling of relief when drinking water, the soft touch of someone close to him. And he’ll experience these things because that’s what living people do. They’re nice things. He doesn’t do things anymore simply because they’ll take him closer to the demon.

It’s freeing, in a way. It’s scary, in another way. Imagine you’ve lost your one purpose in life, the one thing that keeps you on your feet, how would you react? Terrifying.

Mithrun is incredibly brave and strong for making the choice to find a new purpose, to exist, to eat.

[shattered-system]

The “Redefinition” of Systempunk

Updated version!

We're not typically an essay kind of blog, but there's something l've been turning over in my mind since l've seen it.

I have the post pulled up now actually, and about 11 hours ago @/the-alarm-system "recoined" (stole) the term systempunk in a long post, as well as designed a flag with its own meaning and I want to sort through some of it.

I also have a few personal pet peeves about their flag design, given that it's color palette clashes and the flag is way too busy. I don't expect it to spread far given that it violates several rules of good design (saying this as someone who has been to school for graphic design.)

I will not post it here, because I don't care to spread it any more than this post already may.

Their flag slightly predates my own version of the systempunk flag, but given that theirs was created for a separate concept with a stolen name, I maintain that we were the first.

We begin with their definition of systempunk.

“A term or Subculture surrounding the liberation of plurals and the critique of psychiatry."

First issue lies here. Both the destigmitization of dissociative disorders and critique of the psych field are extremely important discussions to have!

But they are separate discussions. There is absolutely overlap, but combining the two here is kind of shooting yourself in the foot, because then the conversation in that tag will be disorganized.

Have a systempunk movement AND an anti-psych or psych-critical movement. That way people can easily find the relevant discussions and terms.

This is followed up with a bit about the harm the psychiatric field has caused (not delving into that as that's not what this blog is about) and then circle back onto "the future is plural."

This is not one of the instances where OP means it in the "the future is destigmitization" sense, as they are pro endo. (On a side note, even ignoring the endo use of the phrase-- if I need to read about a slogan to understand the meaning of the slogan, it's a bad slogan. The point of a slogan is to communicate a concept quickly.)

The flag has black and brown stripes akin to the progress flag to represent systems of color, which is the only part of the design we have no critique for, but are describing anyway just as a bit of information.

The purple stripe stands for:

“Endo solidarity... endogenic systems are continuously harmed by antis who remain uncritical of psychiatry."

Once again, we are mixing two expansive concepts into one term.

The term anti-endo doesn't imply a position one way or the other on the psychiatry discussion.

Some anti-endos swear by the DSM5, others don't. Anti-endo is a term that means anti-endo/ endo-critical. That is all it means.

There is a difference between holding the DSM as the complete authority on mental illness and saying that a trauma disorder is caused by trauma.

I'm not sure if OP knows that and is choosing to cast anti-endos in a bad light, or legitimately confused. However, OP is a syscourse blog who is on a lot of blocklists and is spammy in the tags, and has likely been blocked by anyone who isn't also out looking to pick immature fights. (This is a system who made a post in all caps calling for an endo raid on #systempunk.)

Continuing directly from the last quote:

“[Antis] are against the liberation of plurals and deny a plural future in order to push singlethood onto others."

It's possible OP is referring to final fusion, which the anti-endo community is not a monolith on either. Most people we've interacted with are supporters of functional multiplicity (including ourselves.)

Most likely however, they mean that anti-endos "push singlethood" by telling endogenics that they can't have a trauma disorder without trauma.

And I could go into a whole tirade about that, but dozens of systems have done it before and I doubt any pro-endos have gotten this far. I am writing this for the anti-endo and on-the-fence audiences.

Visit @antimisinfo's helpful masterpost for a list of legitimate sources.

OP seems to believe that by “forcing” this singlethood, we are contributing directly to the oppression of systems. Hypocritically, OP themselves are contributing directly to the oppression of trauma victims.

Endogenics are not part of the "diverse experiences of plurality” (we are diverse, but united in origin) given that they don't exist. And if they did, they would have such a fundamentally different experience than trauma-formed systems that both groups would need separate language and tags to have space to themselves.

And endos already have a well-established punk tag for themselves. It seems they won't be happy until they chase trauma victims out of every space they create for themselves and steal every term. They've already stolen even the medical terminology used for CDDs.

The yellow stripe of the flag is meant to represent those with actual CDDs. Once again, psych stuff is brought up. However, I do agree with OP that those who do not want final fusion should not be pushed into it.

The pink and white stripes of the flag are entirely dedicated to anti-psych points. I think this would do wonderfully on it's own flag. But bringing the large range of discussion the anti-psych movement encompasses and the large range of discussion the CDD community has into the same tags is going to make it monumentally difficult to find the conversations you're wanting to have, and weaken both communities considerably.

There is a line of barbed wire across the flag that is partially for the same anti-psych movement as well as in favor of protecting and defending endogenic "identities." The ampersand stands for plurality.

There are fangs on the flag as well, encouraging systems to be loud and proud about their existence. And I agree that systems should make themselves known. However, endogenic systems don't exist, and their promotion will continue to drag us down.

I have read testimonies about traumagenic (real) systems being fakeclaimed or denied treatment by healthcare experts who, through exposure to endos, came to the conclusion CDDs are fake entirely.

Real systems seeking treatment and help after a lifetime of horrific abuse are being denied care.

Not to mention the setback of social acceptance by endos.

“Force plural liberation down the throats of others. Force the future to be plural."

[northgazaupdates]

Blog update

Due to my deteriorating physical and mental health (discussed previously), I am forced to decrease the amount of time I spend on this blog. I was scheduled to take a hiatus tomorrow, Friday 3 January 2025, but the urgent nature of our supported campaigns has made that impossible.

I am struggling with multiple chronic illnesses, several undiagnosed health problems, severe depression, and crises in my family. This makes it incredibly difficult for me to support these campaigns. I can barely post updates anymore, let alone make new posts.

It would really help support these campaigns if any of you would be willing to post about them. I will still post when I can, but I am having a health crisis and I simply cannot continue on at my current pace. These campaigns need all the visibility and support they can get, and you can help them achieve more of this by posting for them, and sharing our posts and posts from the involved families.

I am sorry. This is not a step I wanted to have to take. But after my physical health has been worsening, I recently had a major, dangerous mental health crisis. I am nearly beyond the capacity to support any of these key campaigns, let alone the dozens this blog has supported in the past. I am taking this leave out of absolute necessity.

Please check our "#support" and “#ngu*” tags to find a long list of campaigns to support. Here are some of the most urgent:

15 y/o Nour Al-Habil urgently needs medication for heart function and for anemia or she will die of heart failure within the next few days (contact: @nohaibrahims-blog)

Toddler Kamal has lost one lung and urgently needs a skin transplant. If hospital payments are not maintained, he will be thrown out onto the street and likely die (contact: )

Elderly grandfather Abdullah with advanced-stage liver cancer requires surgery within the next few days to survive (contact: @bshaeromars-blog)

I have selected them for prioritization because they have urgent deadlines and are extremely high-stakes, mostly life-or-death situations. Our other campaigns (found under our #ngu* and #support tags) need attention as well, but these are the campaigns with the biggest and most pressing issues of which I am currently aware.

Please support them by donating, sharing our posts, sharing posts from the blogs listed under “contact”, making your own posts on tumblr, and sharing them across all your social media accounts.

Thank you

NOTE: Going forward, I am adopting a new system of prioritization. I have held off doing this for months, but the high volume of need and my own limited resources mean it is no longer an option. In the future, I will be focusing on campaigns primarily (but not exclusively) supporting women, girls, young children, and marginalized individuals. Research has demonstrated that these groups are affected the worst during conflicts and crises, and also receive the least support. The details of how this system will function will be forthcoming, but I wanted to notify you all. This is not being adopted because men’s lives are viewed as having inherently less worth, that concept is preposterous. Rather, it is because these specific groups are additionally highly disadvantaged during emergencies like this. We are trying to respond to the most intense need, and statistically, that represents these populations. Thank you